Got Prayer?

A Guide to Overthinking It.

First and foremost, prayer takes stuff. Like real estate. As in: You need a space in which to pray. Sorry, but your mind and body don’t count. You need an actual area that generates utility bills or a piece of turf somewhere. It doesn’t have to be a church, per se, but you get points if it’s adorned with beautiful artwork or has a water feature. You get more points if you’ve got an outbuilding of some sort that can be used as a sweat lodge.

But that’s not all you’ll need. In fact, get ready to make a Target run. You’ll want beads, candles, rugs, prayer flags, incense, bells, gongs, wheels, masks, robes, tea, tea pots, flowers, books, wine, water, liquor, ganja, artwork, food, altars, amulets, drums, and bowls…all kinds of bowls.

You might pop on over to the pharmacy for some lube if you’re into Tantra. And get earplugs if you’re going to a Cosmic Rave Mass, because EDM is truly divine at ear-splitting decibels. And don’t forget to hit up a craft store, because prayer also takes lots and lots of crafting supplies. God boxes and prayer scrapbooks and mandelas and enzo circles don’t just make themselves!

Once you’ve assembled the supplies, you may now proceed to the praying part. Please refer to “The Way We Pray” by Maggie Oman (chapters 3–54) for some pointers on deploying these items in an assortment of faith traditions. The closing prayer scene in “The Boondock Saints” might be a helpful guide, too.

Please also note that the following prayer practices are not covered in that particular book — or really most books about prayer — so you’ll have to decide for yourself whether they actually count as praying or not:

-Talking to God and/or the Universe as if he/she/it is an old friend, your inner child, a beloved dead relative, a fictional character, the invisible embodiment of love, or any combination of the aforementioned entities or concepts.

-Lying in your bed imagining other worlds and lives you might be inhabiting at this very moment.

-Willing your phone battery to stay charged long enough for you to finish that one YouTube video about the finch whose little bird feet got frozen to a fence. Doing your makeup.

-Reading old texts from your ex.

-Thinking about the movies “Pretty in Pink” and “Sixteen Candles,” and how you love them both deeply for wholly different reasons, yet never fail to confuse them.

-Hitting scan on your car radio trying to catch the Kinks song you love because it would mean everything to happen upon it rather than playing it on-demand from iTunes.

-Walking your puppy in the rain while saying ‘please do your poops’ over and over.

-Studying the sounds of your yard at night, wondering about others who’ve stood in the exact same spot — in other years and other centuries — listening to the snapping tree branches and mockingbirds.

-Asking: “WTF IS GOING ON?” several times a day, to nobody in particular and/or everyone.

-Belting out “Sweet Caroline” at the top of your lungs during the 7th inning stretch.

None of those are in the book, or in most books for that matter. Consider sticking to the books. Or “Boondock Saints.”

Once you’re actually doing the praying, be sure to ask yourself things like: How does this feel? Is that my soul stirring? Is this real or a dream? Did I leave the oven on?

If the process makes you feel some shade of good; like blissful, grateful, connected, focused, or calm, then you are doing it right! There are many, many ways of praying, and many accessories to do it with but there is only one right way to feel about it.

But if you’re not feeling some form of ‘good’ after praying, for example if you’re still wondering about your place in the universe, feeling loss, feeling lingering pain, or feeling anger — you might want to go directly to Lululemon, because you’re gonna need yoga pants. Nobody can pray without those.

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